Tuesday, February 10, 2009

Oh the pondering I do..

Why is it that since my rejection letters have come in the mail I feel as if I've been given some odd vacation or reprieve? Its strange and maybe it has to do with 007 finishing up school come May. I honestly can't figure it out.

However, I do feel a huge since a relief, that come August I won't be leaving the ranch and heading to school to be bombarded with material that I need to have memorized yesterday.
Just so you know I am still taking the classes I need to improve my application for next year but I keep wondering is this feeling going to change?

I also wonder is it a by product of rejection or is it for real. Maybe it's just because I love our new place so freaking much. Keep in mind it is a royal mess right now, the trees have no leaves, and it's raining so there will be lots of mud tomorrow. However, I love it and I can feel spring just around the corner. I am just bursting with anticipation over it. I can't figure out why!

Maybe, I bounced around so dang much that its nice to put down roots or maybe its because this place is "new" to me. Its hard to really put my finger on it. So most of the time I push it out of my mind and do what I need to do so I'll be a better candidate for next years cycle. Still these thoughts just won't go away.

To add insult to injury, I have crazy moments like this one recently where I got to help with an exam of a Lion! Yep, a lion it was his annual exam and he got his rabies and 4 in 1 vaccines.

Those are the moments that I then return back to wanting to be a Vet. Some days though I am perfectly happy with being the assistant. So I sit and I ponder as the rain comes down what does it mean to find a balanced life? A life where you get to enjoy your job, have time at home, and a few silly hobbies. To have those things do I need further education or is being just the assistant good enough.

The part I always go back to is the idea that this place is "new" and for me these experience in Vet Med are new. Basically I'm in the honeymoon phase and I am beyond fortunate to have some really cool Vets to learn from. However, what happens when they retire (mind you it'll be like 20+years) would I get so lucky as to find other great Doc's to work for. Or does the job pass to me?

I also wonder about my rescue and realize that wanting to be a Vet came out of that in the first place. I can't expect others to want to run a non-profit clinic/rescue, but I can expect it of myself. I am sure I could find someone with a similar view and a DVM behind their name to partner with or hire but would it fit or would I be (gasp) jealous? I can't say I am jealous of the Doc's I work for now so I wonder if my direction has been misguided and what I have been meant to-do is assist/manage. Hmmm?

Doesn't help that I have two job offers to work as full-time techs even though I don't have my RVT. I can even hold out until May when 007 graduates and gets a real job. I just can't fathom cashing in my cushy gov job for something that to me is a bit of a gamble. I mean I could get laid off, fired, etc. Keep in mind I haven't experienced any of those ever and I've worked for one Vet going on 5 years and the other 2+ years in part-time and/or volunteer statuses. I guess I always had an out though and they were jobs for learning about the world of Vet Med not something I figured I would do to make a living.

With 007 graduating I feel like my world just opened up and now I have to many freaking options! You see I have stayed in my cushy, stable did I mention BORING gov job while 007 was in school to guarantee we could pay the bills, maintain a non-college lifestyle, etc. With graduation I don't have to "worry" or whatever it is I tend to do and I can be more daring.

Still it's hard to let go of a salary gig for hourly and low paying hourly at that. Still what is the value of loving what you do? What is the value of not working 7 days a week, which is what I'm doing so I can do these things in addition to my cushy job. I really wonder if I can break out of this mold of gotta keep my steady gig going and take a risk!

Could I really learn to enjoy my free time and have a BALANCED life? Funny how that word came up in my interview. At the time I thought I fielded the question well. Maybe I just said what they wanted to hear but now I want to figure it out!

If not I may just drive myself insane.

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