Monday, January 18, 2010

Tired of Crappy People…

***CAUTION RANT AHEAD***

This has been on my mind since Saturday. I have this friend, seriously I do. Up until we both got married (to rather wonderful guys BTW) we never really cared all that much about; parental relationships. I mean we had them but they had some issues and we didn’t have to deal with them because we lived far away and had lots to-do. Then the whole marriage thing happened and we also got in-laws.

I know I was happy and thought I had landed very cool in-laws. I even remember making such claims to my friend and how happy I was to have such a wonderful mother –in-law. Yea, things change and now I wouldn’t paint such a chipper picture of my own situation.

Regardless of all of that let’s get back to my friend, yes I really have one!

Now for starters I won’t claim to be in the same boat as my friend, let’s call her Saucy… I don’t know it’s what comes to mind, she has spunk but she’s also very tender. Even though we are not in the same boat we are on near by islands when it comes to dealing with parental relationships.

Basically I find at times I just don’t know what to say when Saucy calls me up and has some major heartbreaking story to share thanks to parental relationship gone wrong. However, our conversations play out in my head when something strikes a nerve and well something did.
Why do people hurt people that genuinely care about them and are genuinely trying to make a connection? I am talking on the parental level here people! It’s not a girlfriend who ditched you to hang with her boyfriend, no we are talking cutting to your heart. I am talking deceit and lack of human decency.

This question of course led me to wonder, why is it that some people end up with great parents and/or in-laws for that matter?

And….some people just get screwed!

For myself, my relationship with my in-laws sucks, well I have a pretty good one with my father-in-law but he's divorced. The rest of the gang, eh... we don't see eye to eye would be the short version. However, my relationship with my Mother is complex. She is a nut. Nope she really is. But our relationship has improved overtime thanks to wonderful things like counseling, boundaries, and just learning to deal. Still we won’t win any mother-daughter awards. The key though is I still get to try.

My friend isn’t so lucky. She lost her mother to cancer when we were younger. To say it was devastating would be a huge understatement. To say she has or ever will fully recover is unlikely and I think that is just how loss is.

What’s crazy is both of us, once you get past the sarcasm and ranting are true optimist. Seriously we are. We see everything and I do mean everything as one great big opportunity to either learn from, get something right that we once got wrong, or basically as a holding pattern until we figure out our next move. We see the world ½ full even though we do poke fun at a lot of things.

However, this tends to happen time and time again by people we let into our heart. Believe me we are getting much better at this but still it happens. We get burned! It pisses me off more when it happens to her because well I just wish just once someone would attempt to not use her and treat her like true family. At least our version of family that just accepts you for who you are but doesn’t use you.

I guess my point is I am just sad that this has happened once again. I can’t fix it and that pisses me off. I don’t even no where to begin except to yell at the offending party and shake them.
I realize that most people actually lack the basic skill to be decent. Others are better at hiding it. What I don’t understand is apathy. I can understand if someone doesn’t want to invest the time in a relationship, we live in busy worlds. However, what I don’t understand and refuse to accept is how a person can blatantly fail to rationalize that their actions not only impact the other person but are hurtful.

Knock it off; commit to real relationships and be honest or don’t even bother.

Monday, January 4, 2010

Beginnings

It’s 2010 and a new year begins. I have a new job and a crap ton of new responsibilities. Sad thing is I don’t really know what they are. Ah yes, the wonderful world of upper management.

What is it I do?

For now, it seems spin in circles as I try to develop (my) a “new program” to generate new revenue for my new company! Yippee…. Then I flitter over to facebook or student doctor network – pre vet forum of course to waste time until I get to go home…Or I get lost researching ways to receive federal energy dollars. I have on any given day over 10 web browsers open.

At the end of the day….

Once home I stress over the fact that I’m not making a lick of progress or so it feels. I know have a cold sore to show for my stress and because of that I have put off meetings with people I seriously need to meet with. When did I become so vain? It’s ugly though!

Ahhh! I really hate the development stage. I stress that I’ll get something wrong or miss something, like the whole process isn’t fluid and always evolving. Mostly I just want something a bit more tangible to sink my teeth into. I want to fast forward six months so I can chill the F*** out!

I’ll summarize what I have actually done in the hopes that it makes me feel better. I doubt it but anything is worth it at this point.

I’ve come up with a five tiered approach. Or simply put five levels of service. I want my new program to be a package one stop shop approach to building efficiency. Ummm I have written a vision statement. I’ve laid out a skeleton business plan that nobody but myself seems to understand.

I feel like I talk about this program in circles with nothing tangible.

I’ve redone a few publication flyers adding in the right logo and my contact info. I am reminded while doing this that I don’t have the background for graphic art work, but they don’t look all that bad.

I developed a release document that I need buy off from the big utilities so I can use the stupid thing with customers to get their utility data. I want to scream, what was I thinking going from government to for-profit. I don’t have the drive for this world.

I bought new software that comes with marketing strategy that should arrive soon. I already have access to their on-line stuff. I need to setup training but don’t want to meet with anyone due to…yes the freaking cold sore!

I may have to go out to Portland for some one-on-one training on how to sell. Ugh:( I don’t want to travel for work. Portland would be nice place to visit and how helpful would it be to get training on sales techniques. Rather lucky that I may have that option but with every opportunity comes fear. I just can’t shake the “newness” of my status here and how I feel like I am a huge disappointment.

I wonder if I can transition from learning to doing!

That would be another huge fear. I have all this training, education, background. Yada, yada but how does that translate to stepping in-front of the client and getting them to sign a deal. You got me.

Probably why the President thinks I need to go to Portland. Yea, I get it.

My computer is too freaking slow and my work chair sucks! I need to order a new one but instead I bought expensive software and don’t want to ask for something else. However, my back hurts and I end up avoiding working on work stuff as a result.

I have to share an office space, which is probably a good thing as I am kept in the loop for now and brought onto projects as a result of just being around. I am learning a ton from my office mate and he’s nice and not in the office a ton. I won’t be sharing an office for long. They are building me an office space, which is yet another reason why I haven’t asked for a new chair and refer to myself often as the “big money suck”…can you say perfectionist!

So, even though it’s a new year, nothing has really changed I am still a mess! I’m just getting paid more, have more complex deliverables and still want to win the lottery. I think I’ll just learn to embrace it this year.